Hi

Hi
(this is me)... in 1966-ish

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Becky's *A*M*A*Z*I*N*G 'Success-Only' journey.

On my computer screen is a quote I cut out from my Dr. Phil calendar a year or so ago. (love you Dr. Phil) I taped it to my screen so I will always remember it. It says,

"This will not be a 'Success Only' journey."


But I keep expecting it to be success only. How annoying that it is not. That I am not.


I've gained 6 lbs since returning from Utah.... well, since returning from SC on July 10th, really. I've been in a real slump and I don't know when it'll end. (maybe when I quit paying it so much attention??)

Once again - I'm amazed at how quickly I am able to jump right back into hopeless and helpless-mode. For a week now, I've been a quivering bowl of self-pity. (red, cherry flavored). I have some valid stuff that I'm worrying over right now (Zoe has tick fever, Kevin's in Uganda, Bonnie leaves in a week to travel with boyfriend and I'll only see her for a handful of days until Christmas, I hate Hong Kong at the moment, and I can't help but notice - I'm still fat. . . .)


I can't allow weight gain.


I have always put eating properly in an unattainable category. (Actually, I do eat proper, good quality, healthy food... but when stressed, I add ice cream...liberally). I engage in 'hell yes' and 'hell no' eating and they're both wrong. I have always done that and I think I'll probably always have a propensity for it.

Right along with the indulgences and consequent weight gain comes self-consciousness. I've been avoiding mirrors and showing disgust towards myself. I already know that those behaviours lead me right to the land of no-turning-back weight gain and powerlessness.

Those bad feelings are a VERY BIG part of this game.

I don't know what I want to say about this subject right now - but I am aware of it, and that usually helps.
I remember
how I felt
in this picture
taken of me
at Fitness Ridge
in March.
Gotta
get
back
there.


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